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Friday, March 22nd, 2002

Time:6:35 pm.
Mood: lonely.
bleh. the friday i've been looking forward to since wednesday. and it hasn't officially began yet *sigh* i'm going to a show tonight with lee and meghan. and i'm hoping the bands will rock out. and we'll have great fun. or at least i'm hoping. and tomorrow is going to be so great. i just know it. but until they come to pick me up. and until tomorrow. and until i just. blah. sleep.
Oh well, you've got me under your spell
and I don't think that I'm kidding around.
I don't think I can forget you now.
I once sat up on my roof and examined the planning of my town.
I saw the structured grid and pavement cutting through grass
and I remembered the cold of winter running up the legs of my pants.
I picked the nicest lawn and imagined the two of us
rolling around down along the ground.
I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets begin to race above our heads.
But I pinched my arm and remembered how much you hate me.
I remembered the fact that I can't see what you need
and I'm too stupid to be aware of the beauty that you give this place
and how shitty this town would seem without you in it.
When you aren't around I let the shades fall down to shut out
all the sun's light and make myself feel all right.
What am I doing with my life?
Remember that the only things we need sometimes
are chilly nights and warmer thighs, 'cause there's nothing like being held.

i'm kind of debating going to tremors or dominics. uhmm. or just doing something completely insane. or just maybe being a bratt and whine about wherever we're going. or will i just be happy once they get here. i'm sure i will *sigh*
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 20th, 2002

Time:8:47 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
uhm. i haven't wrote in awhile because i think this diary is awfully tacky. and no one ever reads it, i don't believe. i use my diaryland diary (http://lovely-chaos.diaryland.com) please check it out. its beautiful.
i don't know what i can say to update this thing. spring break sucked. school sucks. and my friends are great. and this weekend is going to be great. i'm going to three punk show. a different dear friend each night. and its going to be great. especially saturday because its going to be me, bethany, meghan and terri... going to atlanta... to see the supertones. and slick shoes. woo-haa!
but as for now. i need to figure out where my life is going and what i'm going to do with it. i know i need to start going to school. and getting decent grades. bleh. but i don't want to. i just. don't want to grow up. thats all. and this weather gets me down. these are the days when i wish i didn't have school. and i could stay in bed all day. and listen to good music. and call my friends on the telephone just to say hi. but life doesn't work that way.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 2nd, 2002

Time:10:57 am.
Mood: drained.
uhm. i went to a show last night. and it. kinda. sucked. but now i'm home. on a saturday. and i doubt i'll do anything. eeeeek.
i woke up. knowing i had to download this song. here.

Magic Man

Cold late night so long ago
When I was not so strong you know
A pretty man came to me
Never seen eyes so blue
I could not run away
It seemed we'd seen each other in a dream
It seemed like he knew me
He looked right through me
"Come on home, girl" he said with a smile
"You don't have to love me yet
Let's get high awhile
But try to understand
Try to understand
Try try try to understand
I'm a magic man."

Winter nights we sang in tune
Played inside the months of moon
Never think of never
Let this spell last forever
Summer over passed to fall
Tried to realized it all
Mama says she's a worried
Growing up in a hurry

"Come on home, girl" mama cried on the phone
"Too soon to lose my baby yet my girl should be at home!"
"But try to understand, try to understand
Try try try to understand
He's a magic man, mama
He's a magic man"

"Come on home, girl" he said with a smile
"I cast my spell of love on you a woman from a child!
But try to understand, try to understand
I'm a magic man!"

eek. this song is so beautiful and wonderful and. really. magical. like on the virgin suicides. when trip fontaine (aka: josh hartnet<3) walks down the hallway. and they play this. and suddenly i go into this deep daze staring at him. because he's beautiful. and the song is wonderful. its just. great. well. i want to go back to bed now. think thoughts i know are bad ;\ lonely saturday.
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002

Time:5:44 pm.
Mood: nerdy.
uhm. got out of school at 10:30 today. hard rock. spent the day with Leee. we went to mcdonalds and the mall, among a million other places to waste time. and i got a pair of awesome earrings. and i got the grease soundtrack. and radiohead- ok computer. and uhmm. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i'm going to a show tomorrow night. uhmm. rock.

if a cartoon character could be hot.. trent would be sexy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 25th, 2002

Time:10:09 pm.
Mood: mellow.
i don't have much to say at all. i'm lost for words.
eeek. i need to go to school.
i need to do something with my life.
and if i were special.
i would have endless possibilities.
wednesday marks two weeks. nicotine free.
ya know what. i hate the attendance ladies at school.
dr. pepper is yummy.
uhm. i'm thinking about cold weather. yummy.
the morning seems so close.
maybe tomorrow i'll think of better things to say.
i feel nice and nummy.
uhm. nothing left to say.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 24th, 2002

Time:3:22 am.
Mood: lonely.
every day seems the same to me, i sit around and think about how alone i feel, end up rather enjoying the loneliness, it's the comfort of being sad sometimes it feels so right sometimes id like to be around no one for 10 straight years
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Time:3:20 am.
every day seems the same to me, i sit around and think about how alone i feel, end up rather enjoying the loneliness, it's the comfort of being sad sometimes it feels so right sometimes id like to be around no one for 10 straight years
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, February 23rd, 2002

Time:9:02 pm.
Mood: blank.
okay. i keep worrying. that i won't be able to go see bad religion in march. and i really really want to go. because, well. for obvious reasons. because. they're BAD RELIGION! what other reason do i need? also, hot water music is playing with them. rock <3 i just really need to go to this show. but no, i'm on probation. eeek. i'm gunna talk to my probation officer and get her to let me slide on this one. i hope she'll understand. or i could lie my ass off and tell her its a school trip. uhmm. church trip? urgh. i'll think of something nifty.
i went to the doctor today. he gave me some medicine. one in which i really, really like. the others are crappy and will probably sit in my cabinet until they expire. suddafed and some anitbiotic. who needs it? certainly not i.
i rented three movies. which i'll never get to watch, because my mother finds other things on television amusing. but. anyways. i got. liquid sky, 200 cigarettes and ghost world. and i'm really anxious to see them. urghhhhhhhhh. screw it all. i'm going nuts
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:3:06 am.
yet. another quiz. why do they make me seem so crazy?

Which John Cusack Are You?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:2:50 am.

Which Winona Are You?

ok. i took a nifty little quiz. ah. my first. so i decided to post it. ahh. wonderful.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:2:00 am.
ahh. its two a.m. i'm jamming out to ani difranco. she's absolutely brilliant. i love this stuff. its get me going. i just wanna throw my hands up and dance. scream a little. and dance some more.
i've been really tempted to smoke today. its been kinda of stressful. my mother called me a fat, worthless, good for nothing bitch. i just walk away from her. i'm really good at pretending i don't care what she says. but the truth is, it bothers me. and i can't wait until i'm 18. so i can move out. its not really too far away, if i think about it. i can wait. just thinking about when i was twelve, and i was so anxious to be sixteen. and now i'm sixteen. and i want to know. where did all of that time go?
its cold. in here and outside. brrr. bed seems quite inviting. yet i keep having visions of jesus.
uhm. how do i get that "mood" and "music" thing on here? help me.
i'll leave you with . . .

hell yeah - ani difranco
life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialouge is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah

I got a face like a limp handshake
hair like an accident scene
I've been waking up slowly
savoring the same old dream
and somewhere between
the folds of your memory
I was sleeping soundly
oh, yeah
hell yeah

'cause I like you
but I know you don't know it
I like you soo much,
I talk to everyone but you
and I wonder
what you would think of this little number
I wonder
what you would say if you knew

If you don't ask the right questions
every answer seems wrong
I was a terrible waitress
so I started to write songs
and I don't know how I feel
but I wonder if you feel like me
do you ever get wrapped up
in the folds of my memory
oh, yeah
hell, yeah

'cause I like you
but I know you don't know it
I like you so much
I talk to everyone but you
and I wonder
what you would think of this little number
yeah I wonder
what you would say if you knew

there's a river of people
that runs past my eyes
and it's beautiful enough
just to watch it go by
but the trouble with water is
she'll always leave you for gravity
I never even told you
I had a crush on you or anything
oh, yeah
hell yeah

life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialouge is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, February 22nd, 2002

Time:9:26 pm.
"Cars And Calories"

Her life was magazines and faithful TV screens selling an empty dream
of cars and calories and everything in between the sun and Saturn's ring,
but the price tag can't be seen and it took bites out
of her insides till she was just a hollow shell.
She grew up in east LA watching celebrities living out all of her dreams.
The plastic canopy of US royalty drew her gaze towards the sky
and away from her own mind.
And it took bites out of her insides till she was just a hollow shell.
And at home her mother cried cause daddy
had something on the side and they didn't look up when she sighed.
And when August came around,
the bathing suits were on the ground replaced by a cotton cloak.
To see her own reflection was like squinting in the sun.
And when all tomorrow brings is a set
if broken wings it takes bites out of your insides till you are just a hollow shell.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:7:25 pm.
uhmmmmm. its friday night. and i'm at home. home, i say! no slumber parties for me. nor any good times with friends. i just get to sit at home and drown in my misery. ahhh. and considering i now have a ten oclock cerfew, thanks to a nifty little drug test i failed. i can't do many fun things. my friends would say "ahh, i don't want to be back in cleveland until 11!" well crap! i have to be home at 10, or i'm screwed. soo, off into the lonely nights and all the rest of it. and i really feel like i need a cigarette right now, but i'll eat instead. eating seems to solve everything for me. but i need to stop gaining weight, because its making me super depressed and my mom keeps bitching about it. its either: i smoke, or a i eat. i think i'll eat.
i can't believe its so cold today. i love cold weather. especially cold, rainy, gloomy days. they're so relaxing. i slept until one today. *yawns* i loved it. but now. i'm going to find the corniest movies possible on tv. and cry. because no one wants to see me tonight. well. urgh.

it's gotten late and now i want to be alone
all of our friends were here, they all have gone home
and here i sit on the front porch watching the drunks stumble forth into the night
"you gave me a heart attack; i did not see you there. i thought you had disappeared so early away from here."
And this is the chance I never got to make a move. But we just talk about the people we've met in the last 5 years. And will remember them in ten more?
I let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past. I've tried twice before but like this, it just will not last.
-death cab for cutie
(by the way, how do i get that "mood" and "listening to" thing on my journal? do i just add it myself?)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:12:26 am.
okay. uhmm. i haven't been to school in a week. where must i begin. uhmm. i've felt terrible. i'll break out in these awful cold sweats. i promise, they're no fun. i think i'm going through nicotine withdrawl. but uhm. hopefully it will only last through the weekend. they say nicotine is out of your system in two weeks. it will be two weeks wednesday. oh, i'm looking forward. i'll need a celebration.
i've found that. this diary of mine. really. well, its really terrible. i keep a better one at diaryland. where i can have a pretty layout. and i write everything in there. but sometimes i think its nice to keep a seperate journal. none of my seriously close friends will read this. they don't know about it. i wouldn't care if they did.
uhm. out of my huge magazine collection. i've decided to make a collage. of girls. one. where they're eating. nothing but little, skinny, lifeless girls that are feeding their nasty faces. and another of girls crying or looking sad. and i'm going to hang them on my ceiling. it will really make me feel better about myself. considering i've gained 15 pounds this semester alone. urgh. i love food <3
it really makes me sad that i missed church yesterday night. i was really looking forward to going, and i told alot of people i would go. and i've broke a promise. thats something i usually don't do. next week will be better.
my hands are starting to hurt. my back hurts. "excuse me, doctor. i need drugs. i need morophine. help me, please" okay. maybe not. but. ahhhhh.
i'm planning on returning to school on monday. hopefully better and in the full effect. i doubt anything exciting will happen between now and then. i'll probably make a bunch of plans i won't follow through with. like : i'm not going to eat another hamburger for the rest of my life. ahh.
quitters never win. i shouldn't give up.
oh my stars. goodnight world. sleep with angels.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 17th, 2002

Time:11:40 am.
okay kids. as of. valentines day. i've quit smoking. gooooo zoe. yes. go ahead and clap for me. because i know its great. i know its good. but guess whats a million times better. uhmm. i'm going to california this summer! how easy was that? seriously. it doesn't get much better. i can finally break. i'm not gasping for air. its wonderful.
i haven't felt so alive in years. i haven't felt so loved. oh, i feel wonderful. life is great. smile kiddo. things can only get better. :)
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Tuesday, February 12th, 2002

Time:9:50 pm.
uhm. i lost my password for awhile. but i'm back. and in buisness. hooray for zoe. its tuesday. i hate tuesday. mondays are so much better. and i usually like wednesdays, too. tomorrow will probably be fun. i have some exciting plans with a dear friend i've been meaning to hang out with for the longest. and tomorrow is the day. out to eat, then church. then home. so i can make valentines for all of my sweeties. yeah right. *pukes* i'm excited. because monday i found out i'm going to spend july in california. a week here. a week there. i have places to stay. people to see. ahh. i'm really excited. but heres the catch. i have to stop smoking by march first. uhm hum. 3-1-02. no more smokes for zoe. uhm. i know its for the best. maybe then i can breathe properly. i'm making myselfs posters and signs. hanging them up in random places. like the "truth" ads. i'm trying it. ahhh. i'm determined. to quit. smoking. and alot of other things, too. but like i've said, one step at a time, zoe. i know i can do it.
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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002

Time:5:08 am.
oh my. oh my. one of those long, winter days. i love these. they linger on and on. like they'll never go away. and i wish that today... would never go away. its been so nice and pleasant. no one to bother me. i've sat here, at this computer for the majority of time. downloading music and talking to friends. i dread the thought of school tomorrow. i honestly don't want to go. but when do i ever want to go to school? i mean, seriously. do i ever really want to go to school? i wish everyday my mother would say "zoe, don't you feel bad? don't you need a break from school?" but no, those are just usually fridays. and tomorrow is monday. so i'm out of luck. i don't want to face the idiots at school. so many bother me with their utter ignorance. i just can't take it anymore.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:3:00 am.
uhm. this is my first entry. so its not going to be quiet as interesting. well, i'm zoe. thats a start. my friend matty <3 really urged me to create this, so i did. uhm. as of right now, i'm extremely tired. i feel like having a cup of tea and listening to belle and sebastian. possibly watching a movie or two. its three in the morning. anything is possible.
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LiveJournal for made-up dreams.

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You're looking at the latest 18 entries.